“I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.”
By now you have been in and out several relationships. You know that when the so-called “first phase” of complete obsession and enchantment is over you will start to see things that are wrong. The French, lovers by nature, have solved this problem by calling out “Vive la difference!
No this blog is not a self-help fix it make your relationship right, right now. It is a very hands on, based on experiences blog. Dedicated to my loved one who decided that I am the best wrong person for him.
In The Agony of being convicted to everything in the universe Andrew Boyd says:
“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: it’s got to be the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”
Needless to say I love the book, I highly recommend it.
Relationship fact #1
Nobody is perfect. Look for the person with the “problem” that is just up your alley. We all have problems. We like to kid ourselves that things are going great, but we all have issues, neuroses, shyness, we are introverts in an extrovert society… You name it.
I am chaotic. And in my own way I consider that to be a very good thing: creativeness! Yes! I love it. My husband is very tidy and structured. So we love to be each other’s problems in that respect.
We all know the “bad” relationships other people have. As an outsider most of the time you intuitively know what the dynamics of the relationship are. But take the daring step to look at yourself as a partner. Look at what you offer. In good things as well as bad things.
Relationship fact #2 Enjoy the competition
A big part of having a relationship (not only a love relationship but any kind of relationship) is competing. Accept it. And accept the fact that you will not always win. And that is good for you. I have learned a lot about myself and my shadow while competing with my sisters, colleagues, friends, lovers and husband. Let me share my most valuable lesson. There needs to be a balance between competition and cooperation. So you need to be aware of this two-edged sword. Ask yourself, in moments when you are alone: “Am I still the partner I’d want to spent my life with?” and act on the answer that intuitively fills your heart and mind. Because it is not always the other in a relationship that is unpleasant. It is a two-way street.
Be mindful about shifting boundaries: never accept a partner who says you are too dependent. Never accept cruelty: physically or mentally. Never accept flirting of your partner in your company with anybody else than yourself. Never flirt with another when your partner is around.
I have heard stories from ladies that stayed in abusive relationships because of shifting boundaries. So be ware that it does not happen to you. Being in a relationship means that you are going to change. The most important boundary is your own integrity.
I think that Dr. Cloud his book was the most appropriate summery of integrity that I have ever read. I felt intuitivly that he captured my sense of integrity in these six points:
1) Creates and maintains trust
2) Is able to see and face reality
3) Works in a way that brings results
4) Embraces negative realities and solves them
5) Causes growth and increase
6) Achieves transcendence and meaning in life
And even though the book is written for businesses, it will benefit you searching for your authentic self in any kind of relationship.
Relationship fact #3 Vive la difference
Men and women are different creatures. Women love chocolate because it lowers their sense of hunger in the hypothalamus. Men have more spatial awareness because their parietal cortex is bigger. Men also have a bigger amygdala what makes them more aware of danger. That same amygdala, the part of the brain that generates the fight flight reaction. When a man encounters stress the right part of his amygdala reacts. It makes them want to have their own space: the “cave time”. When a woman encounters stress the left part of her amygdala reacts. This part is involved with emotions and self-consciousness. It makes her want to increase her oxytocin level. Hang out with friends, talk, hug and she wants to feel like people understand her.
We all know that men and women are different. But it is not only an interesting topic of conversation (I used to talk about it when I was dating). It has a neurological foundation. Vive la difference!
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