Imagine this: After meeting at the Jungian Institute in Nijmegen, a fellow student and I decided to get together every once in a while to discuss dreams. Not only would we analyze them, but we also experimented with different approaches—gestalt, drawing, dream-play, and the “If It Was My Dream” method by Jeremy Talor (click to read more).
One time, right before I was about to share a dream, she said to me: “Oh, you are neurotic.” She didn’t say, “In my opinion, you seem neurotic.” No, she was utterly convinced she was right. I had never thought of myself that way. In our relationship, I saw myself as the mature one: I took care of her transportation because she was too afraid to get her driver’s license, I ensured we always had a new method to explore, and I was consistently warm, friendly, and accepting.
When that sentence left her mouth, I literally felt my heart breaking. I took a deep breath and said, “That is the way you feel about me.” I didn’t want to bring words to how deeply hurt I was.
From that moment, our relationship soured, and eventually, we stopped seeing each other. Yet, the words stuck with me. For over a decade, my inner chatter repeated her statement, tormenting me. I desperately wanted it to stop.
So, I turned to Professor Ethan Kross’s book: Shift: Managing Your Emotions–So They Don’t Manage You (Click to buy, affiliate link).
Understanding Inner Chatter
According to Ethan Kross, inner chatter is an essential human function—it’s our ability to reflect on the world around us. However, humans are wired to focus on negative chatter, as it evolved as a survival mechanism. Negative thoughts act like a mental form of target practice: identifying past mistakes helps us avoid them in the future.
Around 18 months of age, a child begins to develop language, and with it, their inner voice is born. This voice is shaped by the family environment they grow up in—a unique cultural ecosystem of rituals, beliefs, and values. Families teach children rules for navigating the world and what to care about. These rules are further refined by schools, sports, and friendships.
Cultural differences also play a role. In Western societies, individuality is prized, and people are expected to achieve personal success and financial independence. Dependency is often seen as a failure, and the inner critic amplifies this pressure, berating us for being too reliant on others or for perceived failures.
By contrast, in Eastern cultures, interdependence is more valued. Success is often defined by the accomplishments of the group rather than the individual. While both cultural mindsets have their advantages, the Western focus on independence can exacerbate the negative chatter of the inner critic.
Breaking the Cycle of Negative Chatter
Ethan Kross suggests simple but powerful tools to quiet the inner critic: prayer and meditation (click to read more).
While these practices may sound straightforward, applying them requires vigilance and commitment. The key is to guard your thoughts and intervene when negativity arises. For instance, when I start spiraling into self-criticism—dwelling on all my perceived failures (and there are far more than the one I shared here)—I consciously interrupt myself: Stop that.
Then, I take a few deep breaths and frame the experience as a lesson. That painful moment with my former friend taught me to be more discerning about the people I trust and to set clearer boundaries
Concluding Thoughts
Learning to calm the chitter-chatter of the inner critic is a lifelong process, but it begins with mindfulness and self-compassion. Negative thoughts are inevitable, but they don’t have to define us. By actively reframing these moments as opportunities for growth, we can break free from the torment of our inner critic and foster a kinder, more supportive inner dialogue.
Your inner voice doesn’t have to be your enemy—it can become your greatest ally in navigating life’s challenges.
Our Current Courses (Click to find out More)
Sign up for our free e-book: 10 easy ways to instantly improve your dream memory
